Lost in the Forrester

It makes me sad to go back and read the posts I’ve posted in the past few months. Just so much has changed and I see how determined I’ve been for certain goals and now I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m broke, unhappy, fat and going back to the place it all began.
In a month or so, I’ll be moving back to Ocala. While there, I’ll be working at Plato’s and Cassie’s probably, and just focusing on myself and my needs. I plan to lose the weight plus some, stick to a healthy eating lifestyle and just better myself as a person.
I finally spoke to Tyler about how he’s been treating me badly and I deserve better, and though it’s only been a couple of hours it’s already been better. I’m trying to be positive about it because I really like him but it’s hard at the same time because 1. It’s hard for someone to completely change how they are when they’ve been that way for so long. 2. I’m moving and have never believed in long distance relationships. 3. He may have already damaged how I see him as a man.
I am willing to give him another chance, though.
I am also back in the Air Force mindset. I don’t want to keep going back and forth about things that directly affect my life. I want to live and make everyone, including myself, happy. I’ve also decided to try my absolute hardest to enjoy every moment. I’m almost 21 years old, and up until this point I’ve always put all my focus into what’s next what’s next instead of enjoying where I’m at.

So, in 18 days I will be turning 21! WOOHOO! The list of things I want starts now.

1. A new tattoo
2. Tongue re-pierced
3. Phone case
4. Sky-diving money
5. Money money
6. Gift cards
7. Concert tickets

DAS ALL

I have completely changed direction on everything in my life within a matter of three weeks. Three weeks ago today, I met Tyler and I have not been the same since. As corny as it sounds, I truly believe he is God’s way of keeping me grounded.
I have decided to stick with school, the Air Force will always be there for me when I’m finished if I choose to enlist then, if not, everything happens for a reason. How else would one guy completely change my already made up mind? I went into each day determined to not meet anyone that could change my opinion, and I promised myself a GUY would have nothing to do with it. Then I met Tyler.
Though there are some minor aspects about him that I do not agree with, I sincerely believe he is perfect for me. We get along so well, our personalities and sense of humor are compatible like I’ve never seen. I’ve been so happy, and have not been able to stop smiling. It’s definitely a change.
I’ve been single for over a year, in which I have learned a lot about myself and relationships in general. I know what I need, want and can do without. Tyler is definitely a change of pace for me, and it’s crazy how quickly we got into everything. But I’m sure that this is what God meant for me to find and I am so excited to see what happens next.

So I’ve been back in Jacksonville for about 4 hours after being gone 3 weeks and I am already so optimistic about the future. It’s pretty crazy to me how a simple change of scenery can do that to you, which kind of worries me about moving back to Ocala next month. Today I ran into an old hookup whom I was pretty crazy about… it just re-sprang some old feelings and memories and made me super self conscious like I used to be. That shouldn’t happen and I shouldn’t have such bad feelings about myself. Since moving to Jax I have been more confident and comfortable with myself and a mere 2 weeks in Ocala have completely changed me back. I’ve thrown up more times these past two weeks than I have in 2012 total (not alcohol induced, either).

Before I make the move back to Ocala, I am changing myself in more ways than one. No more will I let guys mess with my emotions, I am going to be the strong, independent woman I’ve grown to be. Just because I go back to the place that sparks so many memories, good and bad, I refuse to let myself sink back into the old person I used to be. I’m proud of who I’ve become and I plan on staying this way. No more bulimia, just healthy weight loss. I want to make myself proud and if I get complimented, I want to know that it isn’t under false pretenses, that I actually deserve the compliments from my hard work paying off.

I’m ready to undergo some intense training to lose this weight. My goal is to return to Ocala a new person, mentally and physically. I want to lose 20 pounds before the move. My training will be Insanity whenever Christina and I can get together, running (both on the beach and in the woods near my apartment), push-ups, crunches, jumping jacks, lunges and mountain climbers in the morning, and gym sessions at least 3 times a week. My diet will consist of ONLY healthy food. Fruits, veggies, minimal starch, minimal sugars… I am determined.

On another note, I am getting increasingly more excited for the Air Force. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it lately, trying to make sure it is exactly what I want to do before making any life-changing set decisions, and I have not gone back on my choice yet. I honestly feel that it will be the best thing for me. Something new, a change of scenery more than once, and it will create a stronger person in me. I will be in shape, confident and more independent, which is what I need. I’ll be forced to grow up and stop relying on other people for things, which I don’t do much of now but still, I want to pave my own way in this world. I cannot wait to see changes in my body, overall self and to enlist in the United States Air Force. I want to make myself, my family and the world proud.

Now, though I say I cannot wait… I know that wishing time would past by quicker is one of the worst things in the world. I don’t want the little moments to pass me by, I want to appreciate everything, especially now. When I move back I will definitely appreciate my family more (and not just when I move, I’m already doing that now) I want to spend as much time with them as possible before I leave. This year will bring so many positive changes.

I’m ready to be a better person. To live the life I’m meant to, with no fear of what others will say or think. Everything happens for a reason, and although sometimes, most times, those reasons are hard to grasp, they will eventually show themselves. Sherry was one of a kind. Beautiful, fearless, strong. In her 9 year battle with cancer, she inspired more people than I’ve ever even met in my 20 years of living. I want to LIVE my life to its absolute fullest. Stop worrying about money, guys, friends. Stop complaining about little things I have the power to change. I want to help people, I want to make a difference. I want to leave a legacy like the one my Aunt left. She will never be forgotten, she lives inside each and every one of us. There will be days I want to give up, I’ve already faced some of those. But I want to use what I know about life and love to help others find their way. I want to be someone to look to for help, to look up to. Someone who can say she’s done everything in her power for those she loves. I want to make God happy. I want to make Sherry, my angel, happy. I want to be able to leave this world at my time of departure, and know that my work here is done.

I know it’s important when going through grieving to celebrate the life of the loved one you’ve lost. I have never been more upset/depressed/helpless nor have I ever felt more alone yet surrounded by my entire family. All I can think of are the things Sherry has taught me. She has been the strongest woman I’ve ever known. In the face of breast, brain, liver and lung cancer she has surpassed us all; never complaining, always uplifting the rest of us throughout the things we complain about. It has made me realize that the little things I bother myself with don’t matter in the long run, money, gas, hair, clothes. None of that matter because I am ALIVE. I have aspirations for myself to join the Air Force and make a difference. I hope I can be as strong as Aunt Sherry one day, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When I think of her I will always remember her themed birthday parties (always fun and well-planned), her crazy wigs and insanely gorgeous stilettos. Her “uni-boob”, her thrifting, awesome decorating skills, and her walk with Christ. About a year ago when I was struggling with my breakup she gave me her testimony. Telling me all about the things she went through in her youth, drugs, drinking, just all out rebellion. It’s crazy to see how she has completely turned around and how many lives she has touched. I have never, nor do I imagine ever again, met such an inspiring, strong individual. I aspire to be even closer to the Lord in my life, and I cannot wait to do better for myself and make Sherry proud from heaven. I love her so much and cannot imagine life, holidays, anything without her.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.